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Words Matter At Funerals

career funerals Jan 31, 2023
 

For most people, talking about death is unfathomable. Our human evolution combined with our Western socialisation has taught us that the subject of death is to be avoided more than anything else, and that talking about it makes people uncomfortable and it is frowned upon. In fact, as a society we almost prefer to pretend death doesn’t happen at all and we shield our children from it.

But when it comes to a funeral, we have no choice but to talk about death. It is there in the room with us, and so during this sensitive and surreal time for the bereaved, the selection of words and phrases used by a celebrant, along with the tone of voice are really important. 

Here’s what you should know:

The eulogy you write will be treasured

As a celebrant, your job is to write and deliver a eulogy about the deceased, and you cannot do this successfully without knowing something about them. Remember that the loved ones left behind will treasure and remember the words spoken during this moment, and those words should properly reflect the deceased’s values, beliefs and personality, completely capturing the person they once knew. Of course - you did not know this person, and so meeting with their family and friends beforehand will be a voyage of discovery, eliciting anecdotes and family stories to reveal the person they knew and loved. There is no ‘one way’ to write a eulogy, but it should encompass the lived experiences of the person who has died in such a way that their loved ones recognise and remember them. 

A good way to begin is to note down the words, phrases and descriptions you have heard other people say about the deceased. For example, “witty”, “sharp”, “charitable”, “cheeky”. And don’t be afraid to repeat phrases that may not be 100% positive, like “she was always right, even when she wasn’t”, or “you always knew where you stood with her”, or “he was a very individual individual”. Of course, in these instances, you must always check with the family in advance that this language is appropriate - it is them, after all, that you are delivering the words to. 

The wrong words will be remembered

Every celebrant gets it wrong from time to time. Nobody is exempt from mistakes. It might be that you someday say the wrong thing - a phrase that isn’t received well, or you might even use the wrong name to refer to the deceased!! Remember practising your speech in advance will help to mitigate the risk of mistakes occurring. It will also flag up to you any potential moments that are highly emotional. Practising these moments will help you desensitise them and allow you to find a strategy to control your emotions. If a mistake is still made then you should not shrug it off. This was a significant milestone in the bereaved family’s lives, and the wrong words spoken can have lasting negative impact. Offer unreserved apologies and even consider offering some sort of financial refund depending on how grave the mistake was. Most of all, make sure the family knows that you acknowledge the mistake and its consequences. 

Preparation is the key to success 

As already mentioned, preparation is the best way to deliver a memorable and moving funeral. 

At the International College of Professional Celebrants, we offer thorough training for prospective celebrants. During this training we ensure that you practise, practise, practise. In fact, the final assessed task during the 5-day-long training is to deliver a eulogy! 

Check out our residential and online training courses here

 

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